The War On Christmas has begun! Huzzah!
And now it?s time to look ahead: Rather than destroy Christmas in the usual way this year ? by boiling elves and impaling Christians on giant candy canes and peeing in creches, and all that ? our plan, as liberals, is to work within the system, to send spies into Christmas itself, and to bring this so-called, scare-quotes ?holiday? to ruin by the grinding of its own cogs.
Opening salvos were launched on Thanskgiving from the pagan base at Sadly, No and sleeper cells are already up and running in major cities around the world. Frustrate the spirit of Christmas! Give toys to children, bwahahaha! Here, here or especially here.
One commenter rather missed the point that Christmas isn’t actually Christian anyway:
Major Woody said,
November 24, 2006 at 13:46I think Penguins are perfectly appropriate for Christmas. After all, they live at the North Pole just like Santa, and like the Baby Jesus, they are raised in beds of straw. Most penguins, like Mr. Christ, are born Jewish, too. Penguins also have the ability to walk on water (when it?s frozen) and like to eat fishes, which I believe Jesus and the Disciples (that?s the band he was in, it was quite big) enjoyed. In fact, before they formed the band, all those guys were fishers-men, except for Judas who was an accountant, and Paul, who was a gay hooker. It?s true, you can look it all up on Wikipedia, just give me about 15 minutes first.
Oh, pagans, not penguins. Sorry.
Hmm. I suspect that may ‘ve been written for comic effect. Mind you, why shouldn’t Yuletide become a penguin-based holiday?
Penguins are the perfect symbolic winter holiday bird. They’re cuter than pagans; they tend not to mess the house up with awful purple batik throws and crystals, like those Bach-flower-remedy-spilling hippy drippies do; they don’t insist that a microwave oven removes protein from food, or direct ‘healing’ rays in your direction whether you want them to or not, or disappear from family events because the negative vibe is just too much for their little sensitive-flower souls; they also don’t dance in the moonlight singing paeans to the Goddess and pretend to be elves in their spare time. (Well, only the Gentoos, but their LARPing’s isolated enough not to bother me much.)
Not all penguins are suited to seasonal celebrations though. The Adelies, for example, are monotheistic, bloodthirsty and in league with Opus Dei, so are no use at all for our evil purposes. Emperors, on the other hand, are anyone’s for a bucket of squid and have that portly Maitre D’ in a tux look that adds so much tone to one’s festive events.
Who would you rather have at the feast, a religious nuttjob or an aquatic extremophile avian in cool monkey suit?
No contest, is there?
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