I was at a bit of a loss as to which of Ellis Sharp‘s recent posts to feature today, though I had to feature one because he’s been so good recently.
I was tempted by the wit of his Shakespeare conspiracies post, but in the end I plumped for this one, as I have a soft spot for Little Chef and he’s pricked my nostalgia. Little Chef’s where we used to stop to have cherry pancakes on the way home from the beach at Thurlestone on fading honeysuckle-scented summer Sunday evenings when my sons were small.
So without further ado:
It’s marvellous news that Israeli property firm Arazim has helped saved the ailing chain of Little Chef restaurants for the nation. The Sharp Side has obtained exclusive access to Arazim’s future plans for the chain. These are:
1. All land within a radius of 100 miles of each Little Chef will be seized by troops and tanks under the slogan “After 2000 years, Little Chef comes home.” All residents will be evicted and their homes bulldozed. Businesses will be seized. There will be no compensation paid. The land will be used for car parking and homes for Little Chef employees.
2. Little Chef does not discriminate. However customers of a swarthy complexion may be restricted to the fried egg menu and asked to eat in the Portaloo at the back, next to the waste containers. This is for security reasons.
3. Children who do not finish their meals, who play with their food, or who throw buns will be shot. Little Chef anticipates around 300-500 child fatalities in its first year of operation. The Blair government has agreed to supply free rifles and automatic weapons to all Little Chef employees.
4. All dissatisfied customers will be referred to by the BBC as ‘militants’ and ‘rogue elements’.
5. Visitors who call by just to use the toilets and who leave without buying even so much as a cup of coffee will be pursued down the motorway by a helicopter gunship and blasted from the face of the earth. Little Chef also strongly advises that no customers using wheelchairs attempt to patronise the chain.
6. The exciting new ‘traveller’s menu’ will consist of (i) sliced melon starter (ii) spaghetti and chips with optional grated cheese topping (iii) Black Forest gateau (iv) complementary cup of Nescafe. The ‘kid’s fun menu’ will consist of (i) toast (available cold or lukewarm with optional toppings: marmite, minced pilchard). (ii) bowl of icecream (flavours: Cape white or Venetian mint).
Bon appetit!
No change there, then.
Little Chef’, whatever their ownership may be, will still always be better than the supposed ‘services’ I once stopped at off the M5 just outside Exeter where I watched, boggling, as a slatternly teenager poured a sachet of Cup-A-Soup into a bowl, topped it off with hot water, gave it a perfunctory stir and tried to charge me two quid for what the menu described as ‘a delicious steaming bowl of homemade soup’. The kid’s fun menu sounds quite pleasant in comparison and I’ve always liked toast.
Read more: Little Chef, Motorway services, Zionism, Nostalgia
