‘Be Off Oiks, Or I’ll Set The Wallabies On Yer!’

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I was very tempted to have titled this post Bouncing In The Borders. Or maybe Leaping in The Lupins, or Jumping On The Jasmine, or Hopping on The Hostas or Boinging in The Buddleia …. I could go on and on.

So I thought the The Times was remarkably restrained with the headline on its report that shire landowners are are increasingly choosing wallabies as pets:

Home-grown wallabies hop in to help gardeners keep their lawns trim

Thousands of miles from their native Outback the marsupials are replacing sheep, horses and geese in scores of country gardens and fields.

All prospective owners need to keep their lawns clipped are half an acre of land, a lot of grass and a large fence.

Oh, is that all. Let’s all get one! They’re pretty expensive though, in addition to the land requirement:

The wallabies cost £150 for a male and £600 to £700 for a female, while the sought-after albino wallabies fetch £1,000 for a female and about £500 for a male

Ah, so it’s posh people buying them then? Thought it might be.

On a waiting list for wallabies is Richard Sheepshanks, who lives at Rendlesham Hall, near Woodbridge, Suffolk. He has 10 acres of land.

“I have a wife, four children under the age of five, and we already have a menagerie with seven dogs, five sheep and four peacocks. I could use sheep to keep down the grass but they are messy and stupid,” he said.

He added: “We have a walled garden separated from the main house which has a 25-foot outer and 10-foot inner wall but it’s a bit wild and the grass needs keeping down.

That’s not a trend, it’s just J Random Posh Bloke who has an unusual pet. Typical Times puff piece. But who cares, wallabies are cute and not at all aggressive either. Just the opposite.

They would be useless as security guards, though. Mr Lay said: “They’d run a mile from a burglar or stranger. They are timid creatures and really harmless but adults will growl if their young are threatened. And they don’t like dogs.”

(They don’t like pigeons much either.)

It’s almost a shame they’re not aggressive – I do like the ridiculous mental picture of an irate, tweedy, posh bloke threatening to set the attack wallabies loose.

If they were, and wallaby ownership were an actual trend, then given the propensity of suburban landowner wannabes to ape the gentry, it wouldn’t be long before marsupial ownership percolated down the social scale from the shires to the stockbroker belt to aspirational Barratt home land and thence to the outer ring estates. Given the price of wallabies, before long pitbull-wallaby breeding farms’d pop up and we’d see drug dealers pimprolling along with snarling wallabies in studded collars bouncing threateningly by their sides. Or what if they escaped? Imagine hungry, feral wallabies attacking beloved domestic pets before bounding off into the dark.

Good job they’re herbivores, isn’t it?

Pandering to The Pizza Base

What a political weekend.

Never was so much freeloaded by so many in New Labour’s long march to attain – and maintain – the haute-bourgeois lifestyle to which they think they should be accustomed. Never were so many acres of newsprint or miles of pixels expended in condemning it. ‘Do they think we’re stupid?’ is the general cry.

Yes, they do.

If this ASDA customer service recording is any evidence, they’re right. We are stupid. And like greedy MPs, we all expect something for nothing too:

Hello? Is that ASDA/Walmart? Can you deliver another Parliament, please? This one’s got no bottom to it.

MP’s Expenses Leak ‘Very Small Beer Indeed.’ Bzzzt! Wrong.

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So said the BBC’s chief political commentator and Brown-noser Nick Robinson on the Today programme this morning about the publishing of leaked, unredacted receipts for cabinet MPs expenses by the Daily Telegraph, 2 months ahead of their official release with key details (ie the damning bits) redacted by the MPs themselves.

Robinson has got this one spectacularly wrong. I certainly don’t think it’s small beer and I doubt fellow voters will either.

But to describe it so is classic Robinson. If any one reporter in mainstream British political media is complicit in the normalisation of politicians’ licensed dishonesty it’s Robinson, whose modus operandi at the BBC has been to focus on internecine parliamentary gossip while fastidiously, and despite the rising stench, ignoring the festering corruption right underneath his nose.

Here the Telegraph describes some of the everyday, mundane corruption; it promises there’s much more to come.

Because MPs can claim up to £24,222 each year for their second home, some MPs appear to go on spending sprees at the end of the financial year to “use up” what they have not already claimed.

Some also appear to take advantage of rules which allowed them, until recently, to claim up to £250 in any category without submitting a receipt, resulting in a rash of claims for cleaners, gardeners and repair bills which came in at £249 per month. And because MPs can claim up to £400 per month for food, with no need for receipts, some put in claims for precisely that amount every month, even during the recess when they are not expected to live at their “second” home.

Other tricks of the MPs’ trade come into play when they decide to step down from Parliament, with some arranging expensive building work on their homes just prior to leaving the Commons before selling them on at a profit. Others are thought to avoid capital gains tax when they sell their “second” homes by telling HM Revenue and Customs that the property is, in fact, their main home and hence is exempt from tax.

Robinson says the the public have outrage fatigue, and that they’ll essentially just shrug at today’s revelations. I don’t know who of the public he asked; perhaps he could’ve asked someone who’s just been made redundant with the prospect of living on sixty pounds a week benefit what they think. I know what I’d think about the man in charge of setting those benefits claiming one and a half times my monthly income, from public money, just for food that they didn’t even need – or even necessarily buy:

James Purnell has come under fire today for claiming £400 a month on food expenses. It is believed that the information has come about as more receipts are leaked to the press. The Daily Star also claims the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions and Stalybridge and Hyde MP claims for his council tax and utility bills. The receipts are to be released to the public in June.

It really does smack of hypocrisy that it was James Purnell who recently admitted on the Sunday Politics Show that £60 a week Job Seekers Allowance wasn’t enough to live on, but those with families could earn up to £400 a week with tax credits (see video above) to pay for cost of living expenses such as food, rent and utility bills etc. Yet he claims £400 a month on food alone.

Under rules set out by the house of commons, MPs don’t have to submit receipts for groceries, but they are able to claim up to £400 a month under the second home allowance. According to the Daily Star, James Purnell tried to claim £475 a month on his groceries, but this was rejected.

That’s without even mentioning some of the smaller items for which MPs’ve claimed reimbursement. One female Lib Dem even had the gall to claim for a 2.50 eyeliner pencil from Boots . She probably bought it to gussy up for an interview with with Robinson. Boy wonder David Miliband, touted as PM, claimed almost £200 for a pram for his adopted child – it was rejected, but that illustrates better than any other claim the entitlement which MPs feel.

I’m going to spend my morning reading; much as I loathe the Telegraph as a newspaper, and leaving aside my outrage at the substantive issues, to the Westminster scandal junkie and blogger an unprecedented info dump like this is not small beer at all. It’s a gift, a gigantic box of succulent fresh cream truffles and license to eat every single one.

Iconoclast Barbie

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Mattel executives show they don’t lack a sense of humour – of sorts.

I thought I’d share with you one of the weirdest memos I’ve unearthed in my years of investigating corporate maledictions. Passed to me from inside Mattel, the toy company, with an August 12, 1997 time stamp. “TAR” stands for Tibet Autonomous Region.

– Greg Palast

Proprietary Content Confidential – Mktng only

To: Jongyol Rimpoche, JRimp@BarbieMttl.cn.TAR
From: BRab@M.IntlMkt.MttlCrp.com

Barbie Doll v Dalai Lama

JR,
Marketing greenlights your conclusion: Barbie can’t play Tibet until she replaces current culture idol. Research Div did tab on competitor; looks like he’s history:

Barbie: Over 2,000 outfits
The Dalai Lama: One outfit (orange bathrobe!)

Barbie: Sixteen hair-dos, including “growing ponytail”
The Dalai Lama: Shaved head (Yuck!)

Barbie: Two dozen pre-programmed and market-tested phrases. Changed annually.
The Dalai Lama: “Om Mane Padme Om” (“Hail the Fire in the Lotus” — whatever that means.) Never changes.

Barbie: Worshiped by 600 million Barbie owners.
The Dalai Lama: Worshipped by only 6 million Tibetans.

Barbie: Creator of cultural revolution.
The Dalai Lama: Victim of cultural revolution.

Barbie: Accessories- Shoes, handbags, battery-operated cars — you name it!
The Dalai Lama: Accessories- ZEE-RO

The irony of this is that for all their arch cleverness, they’re wrong. There is a market for ethnically diverse, Indian sub-continent themed Barbies, as Gujerati Barbie above shows. Are their bosses aware that they potentially lost them money?

Evil Encapsulated

Interesting if real: Karl Rove’s Twitter feed.

The wingnuts think it’s real, to judge by the tweets, and

Precautions taken 2 guarantee compliance w/ federal prohibition on torture. U might characterize diligence as overcautious.

certainly sounds suitably Rovian.