Not that it’s ever that difficult, but if you really want to drag your pet geek’s attention away from the screen and on to the more physical and immediate, you could do worse than don a pair of Celeste Stein cat and comic printed tights:
Vroom comic strip tights:
Non-Ukian, non-Murdoch newspaper readers may have missed this story, which comes via The Register:
Polish builder sacked for humping hoover
London kids’ hospital outrage
By Lester Haines Published Monday 3rd March 2008 12:16 GMTA Polish building contractor working at London’s Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital was given his marching orders after a security guard caught him having sex with a Henry Hoover, the Sun reports.
The unnamed perv was supposed to be locking up the site, at hospital admin offices, but was instead discovered in the staff canteen “naked and on his knees with the smiling cleaner”.
The “horrified” guard told the chap to “clean himself and the hoover”, then ejected him from the premises. The unnamed vacuum-molestor later told his bosses he was actually cleaning his underwear, describing this habit as “a common practice in Poland”.
His employer, HG Construction, was having none of it. The company said: “That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh.” ®
Look at that smile, full of hidden promise, that come hither look in his eyes – Henry’s a deliberate little flirt. Who can blame a lonely man, far from home in a strange country, for being tempted?
One might almost think the manufacturers had sex-starved midnight cleaners in mind when they designed Henry….
There’s been a small outbreak of mechanofetishism lately; there’s the man who indecently assaulted a lampost this week and the one a few months ago, who was jailed for having sex with a bike.
But what really is the attraction for bikes, lamposts, hoovers and the like? Is there something inherently erotic in mechanical objects? What? Is it the shape, the smell, the coldness? The deliberate designedness?
I’m inclined to think the real attraction is dicing with the dangerous possibility that they might get their wedding tackle mangled mechanically.
I suppose there are issues of jurisprudence here; what, if any, crime has been committed? Did it realy warrant police intervention? The only crimininality I can see is maybe a breach of the peace or public decency, if it’s been done in front of other people or on work time or with other people’s property or maybe criminal damage, if the insides of whatever apparatus it is gets bunged up with ejaculate…
Enough. I’m stopping there, that last mental image is just a little bit too much even for a sicko like me.
This has to be parody, because surely nobody can be so up themselves and live.
From the Albany Times Union arts pages:
Accidental human
C. Ryder Cooley pushes notions of life through music, art, trapeze actsBy DANIELLE FURFARO, Staff writer
I should’ve stopped when I saw the word trapeze, but no i had to go and read the whole thing. Bigger fool me.
There’s plenty of people who take themselves and their silly artistic affectations seriously, but not many do so as assiduously as does wannabe multimedia artist C. Ryder Cooley. And when a wannabe multimedia artist meets a journalist willing to take them at their own self-inflated valuation, well then there’s disaster in the making.
Multimedia artist C. Ryder Cooley thinks she has had better incarnations. But she’s trying to make the best of this one.
“I started working with animal themes probably before I was born,” said Cooley. “I think I just was an animal. Somehow I accidentally turned into a human, and I’m trying to get back to my animal.”
[…]
For the past few months, she’s been working on her thesis performance, titled “Animalia: Stories of Collapse, Calamity and Departure,” which will include elements of video projection, aerial performance and the accordian.
Call it an interspecies fairy tale.
Call it what you like, but how’s it going to play in Peoria?
“I like looking at animals for evidence of different structures of living,” said Cooley.
Don’t we all? Personally, I’d love to be a squid, but I can’t see me making a living decking myself in bits of rubber hose and a bodystocking and flying through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring notsosyoung blogger on the flying trapeze, just to make the point that water’s wet and squid live in it and humans don’t.
With her earth-toned clothing, childlike voice and haunted eyes, Cooley looks more like someone out of a storybook than someone likely to be standing right in front of you. She looks out of place in the 21st century. Or maybe it’s that she looks out of place as a homo sapien.
Or maybe she looks like someone you’d take a running punch at… but no, that would be animal cruelty.
Interspecies deer
Most people who have seen Cooley perform locally associate her with a deer, as she is often seen wearing antlers or a cut deer head strapped to her back.
The deer, she says, is her “East Coast animal,” a creature she began feeling an affinity for shortly after she moved from San Francisco to the Capital Region.
I wonder what her West Coast animal is..?
“The deer heads I have are trophies that were killed by hunters. By putting them on my body, I can bring them back to life and be their body for them,” she said. “And there’s a certain perceived gender to wearing antlers. I become a cross-gender, interspecies deer.”
No, sweetie, you become an overeducated, underdisciplined, spoiled western madam with a stinking deer carcase on her back and outstanding gender issues.
It’s that reinterpretation of the gendering of animals that appeals to Cooley.
“How people deal with gender in animals is even more intense than how they deal with it in humans,” she said. “It’s hard to find research of animals that isn’t based on hetero-normative mating behavior.” In other words, even nonhuman animals are not as set into their gender roles as humans want to make them out to be.
Oh, Cooley, Cooley, Cooley. It’s not illegal to have a fetish you know. What should be illegal is you boring others silly dressing it up a fetish as art and worse still, using an accordion and a trapeze to do it.
Just go buy a Furry deer outfit and get yourself to a Con. Free your antlers, and your ass will follow.
Then go back to campus, get your faunsuit on and have sex with your roommate. You know that’s what you really want.
Much more about Cooley’s deer carcase/accordion/trapeze masterwork here, if you can stand it.
…would allow their child to answer this ad from US Senator Larry Craig:
Preference is given to Idaho applicants attending Idaho schools who are in their junior or senior year of college…
Oh, I bet.
The Telegraph:
Man who had sex with bike in court
It does seem harsh, not to mention horribly unjust, that this man’s labelled a sex offender for doing something that hurt no-one. In using an inanimate object (an odd-shaped object, admittedly) as an aid to personal fulfilment, he did something thousands upon thousands of others do perfectly legally every day, (or more often if they’re energetic).
Not only that, he was doing it in what should have been a reasonable expectation of privacy, since he’d taken the trouble to lock the bloody door so as not to offend.
Where was the outraging of public decency? Where’s the contnuing threat to the public? If he was a raper of other people’s bikes that would be a different matter, as he’d have to attack them in the street and disturb the peace. But no, he lusts after bikes in decent privacy. Even if you find it personally distasteful, what is actually illegal about that?
