Sexuality

Wife Wanted: Don’t All Rush At Once

Blogs, Funny, Religion, Sexuality, Wingnuts, Women
Published on 6 Comments on Wife Wanted: Don’t All Rush At Once

The godly wife

I’m sure we’ll all envy the the lucky lady who bags this catch, girls. She’s in for a real treat. From the blog formerly known as Baptists for Brownback:

Single White Republican Christian Male

I am a single White Christian Republican Male- Straight and 6?4. I am a born again Christian Republican Baptist and jolly good looking if God will permit me the small sin of vanity. I am looking for the White Christian Republican Woman of my dreams.

Aren’t we all?

Hey, I hear Ann Coulter’s still single, I can’t imagine why. A possibility, d’you think? She has the ‘white’ part down pat.

A man has too many things to contend with and needs the most perfect woman to compliment his life.

Oh I know, the poor loves, how they suffer. All that shoe-lace tying, laying down the law and bum-wiping, it taxes the mind and the soul in the worst way.

I have been seeking this perfect woman since the harlot I was with decided she needed more and looked around whilst I was working. Her need for company (a penis) stronger than her need for loyalty and devotion. Well one is best rid of something like that anyway, aren’t they? I looked in the Catholic ranks for such a woman and found that most were fat with smallish moustaches and seemed to favour black and waving their arms around a fair bit. They certainly seemed to love children and had armies of the scruffy little urchins around them…all of them sporting miniature moustaches and fat little pot bellies. The total black look did look serious but frankly the moustaches and obesity turned me off.

That lets Tom Friedman out, godly conservative though he be. Poor Tom, he’ll be shattered. He’s been practicing his foot tapping and wide stance especially. But all is nopt yet lost…

Next I wandered over to the Mormon camp…They did not drink, smoke or otherwise engage in poor habits ( a plus in a limited world of pluses for Mormonism) . I chatted up a few likely candidates who looked clean and shiny…teeth white and lustrous hair pull back into bouncy pony tails. Their neat dresses starched and white and smelling like fresh air and sunlight. A man, could be easily swayed by such walking candidates for Christ. That is: until they opened their mouths.

Why? Do Mormon girls have their larynxes altered so as to sound like holy corncrakes or do they just have a horrible accent?

“I gotta marry a prophet and an’ ah cain’t stend ‘im…”

But no, it’s not that, it’s much, much more serious:

Yes those sweet lips with the whitest white of teeth just heartbreakingly close enough to steal a kiss…were talking about some bloke called Joseph Smith and how he found tablets that were from the Lord Thy God and now conveniently lost for all time. Their tiny white hands, from years of White breeding with White…the tiniest of blue veins visible…were elaborately used to punctuate the foul non God and his non angel moron(i).

“Their tiny white hands, from years of White breeding with White…the tiniest of blue veins visible…” Go on, say what you really mean.

Mormons are vampires, aren’t they?

Heartbreakingly attractive and yet condemned just as their foul cult is [see – vampires, like I said: P] I was so tempted to ignore their stain of sin but in the end God just said “No”…and I turned away from these sinful temptations.

Why didn’t he stake them then, the fool? Now we’re all going to get bitten by bloodsucking satanic hellspawn and it’s all his fault…

Who would have thought it would have been so hard to find a worthy vessel to carry my seed? Sometimes the ladies I met had all the right values…were pro life and seemed deeply committed and the moment I thought maybe she was the one, she would turn around and ask me for a light for her cigarette? One of the Catholics would no doubt ask me to borrow my razor had things progressed. The Jehovah Witness girls laden down with blue and green books had arms like caber tossers and preened about smugly believing that she would be one of the reputed 144,000. The Buddhist girls reeked of incense and patchouli and most of them looked like they were cultivating small tropical rain forests under their arms and bragged of lesbian encounters. They had more armpit hair than hair on their heads and perhaps in a few case, self immolation might have been advised.

He says that like he thinks religion is a bad thing.

The days went by and the list of candidates grew slimmer. Unitarian girls with big frizzy hair and buck teeth prancing about claiming God’s love of everything and the stunned look on their insipid brainwashed faces when I told them, that just wasn’t true!

Of course not, how silly! Lordy, everyone knows God hates liberals.

Jewish girls with shrill screeching voices, loud and obnoxious flaunting sexuality as though it were a virtue. Their dark secret plans fully laid out for the Sabbath weekends with Goy boyfriends who have money and fat mama’s at home wringing hands at the shame this would bring.

Oy, such a mensch! He’s looking more atrractive all the time. I simply can’t believe he hasn’t been snapped up yet.

Plain, run of the mill flat chested protestant girls with bitter dour dispositions to match…Surely these women must know that a man needs a warm smile…a pleasingly soft generous body to yield to him. Surely some of these tight screwed calculating females understand a man needs a gentle welcoming face? I scratched those off the list as well.

Poor loves, they must be devastated. How will they ever recover from knowing they’re so horribly unattractive?

Pagans, militants, feminists and anyone with ginger coloured hair. Not worthy to be in the same room as me let alone a matrimony bed waiting for my precious seed.

Damn, I’m out of the running? So soon? My red-headed militant feminist heart is broken.

[…]

Are you out there?

Respond here please…a photograph will be sent on request. Yours in Christ.

Curiously enough for such an equal opportunity bigot, our ardent young swain doesn’t mention nationality, thus leaving the door open for a nice Orthodox babushka-in-embryo looking for a godly spouse. He’d better prepare for the inevitable stampede; I hear those poor bereft Eastern European ladies just love them some arrogant provincial yank.

But there’s a mystery here. Who is our lost lonelyheart?

Is it the stunningly handsome Brother Billybob Neck? Is it the mature, debonair, yet devout Brother Yancy, he of the distinguished, greying temples? Or could it be (be still, my beating heart) the Prophet himself, CC Davis II?

Surely not: a prophet would never play around on his girlfriend. Would he?

As a heterosexual I enjoy spending time with my lady friend, Karen, who I have known since Jr. high school. Sorry, Ladies, I am not looking for a romantic encounter. Friends from both genders are always welcome.

But wait – could Karen be that harlot that our hero mentioned? If so it’s lucky that the author had his very best friend to er… comfort him in his heartbreak.

I enjoy working out in the gym, wrestling, and broadway shows. I own a Interior Design firm with my best friend, Gary, who I met in college

Like David and Jonathan, obviously – one’s male friends are so important to the mission of the Godly man, as many respected senators will personally attest.

Nothing, but nothing says good, solid husband material like close, patently platonic male friendships, a love of musicals and a talent for co-ordinating furniture fabrics. What woman could ask for more?

So ladies, get your applications in now, before he’s snapped up like a dozen hot donuts by a hungry undercover men’s lavatory cop at 4am. Oh, how I wish I could apply for myself, but of course I am damned by my unfortunate genetic heritage and helotry.

My heart is broken. I may never get over this mortal blow.

Comment of The Day

Comment of the Day, Madness of King George, Sexuality, Wingnuts
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Bruce Baugh on the psychology behind the Rove/Bush folie a deux – it’s a sublimated crush:

A while back, some blogger I read – Digby, I think – speculated that Rove is gay and has a lasting crush on Bush Jr. That made sense to me, and still does. I have an elderly gay friend who talks with a sigh about stupid things he did for the sake of a decades-long unrequited crush on a classmate and co-worker he knew was straight and he knew he wasn’t the type to go poaching, but where he just couldn’t give it up until unrelated griefs forced him into a general reexamination. Now he feels that he wasted far too much of those decades trying to help out the object of desire, not nearly enough of them helping himself, either professionally or personally, say, by seeking out a relationship with reciprocity in it. Unlike Rove, my friend is a decent, honorable guy who’s an asset to his family, friends, neighborhood, and nation. But anyone is capable of mind-boggling stupidity and a lot of it under the right circumstances.

A lot of movement conservative leaders really seem to like their sex squalid and dirty, or at least to need it that way. They have sordid affairs, they engage in sleazy behavior in public parks, they dump their wives in painful and needlessly abusive ways…in such an environment, there wouldn’t be much incentive for a gay man with an unfulfillable crush to seek out a healthy alternative, and all the incentive in the world to seek solace or distraction by (for instance) carrying on with a prostitute passing himself off as a reporter, much to the grins and giggles of everyone on the inside.

This could all be dead wrong, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

Digby was hardly the first to notice.

Even I can remember, back around 2001/2002 or so saying on usenet (and I’ve blogged about it numerous times since) that what the Republicans are about is denial – there’s a hardcore in the party and its fundy base of closeted gays with mil-fetishes, all longing for a good hard seeing-to by a hot, buff stud in full combat gear. American posters were deeply offended and spoke of homophobia, and knee-jerk anti-Americanism. But it’s only homophobia if you think being gay is bad, which I don’t. And I’m anti-imperialist, not anti-American, though admittedly these days it is hard to tell the difference.

As I tend to repeat over and over, it’s the hypocrisy, stupids.

A majority of Republicans and their base on the other hand do truly believe or profess to believe that homosexuality (or pretty much anything but dry painful missionary in the dark copulation) is sinful, wicked and dirty – which of course is why they get so much guilty pleasure from it. It’s forbidden, oooh…. and religion is a spice that that hots up sex wonderfully, as profitable writers of convent porn know. All that guilt… Speaking of which, I’d love to see what sort of lurid Bush/Cheney/Gannon fanfic Rove might’ve written had he been a fanfic sort of guy… he’s certainly not backwards in coming forward with the homoerotic language – remember the apocryphal

“We will f**k him. Do you hear me? We will f**k him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever f**ked him.” ?

Bush himself isn’t averse to a touch of of the ol’ brokeback rhetoric himself: here he is on bin Laden:

‘I will screw him in the a**!’

I suppose it is theoretically possible that Rove has finally accepted that his longtime private pash object has feet of clay and that’s why he’s going, but somehow I doubt it. I also doubt that their poisonously co-dependent relationship has actually ended or will ever end with Rove’s official exit. All these oily, nasty little spoutings-off on tv (Fox is an agent of Congress? WTF?) – no way these aren’t approved by the WH hierarchy, such as it is these days (I’m seeing Cheney-> Bush->Gonzales-> Miers-> Barney the dog. Correct me if I’m wrong).

I do wonder if Turdblossom’s actually resigned at all. Or has he just been let off the leash? Is this the last line of defence in the media, part of the slash and burn defence Bush & Cheney promised?

If so, it’s not very effective, because one result of all this unaccustomed Rovian media visibility is that the public are finally seeing Rove in all his oleaginous, porcine pomp

and really, really don’t like him.

There’s also potential legal proceedings pending against Rove and it could be that his early ‘departure’ is their pathetic way of distancing the White House from it. Fat chance – Rove is forever tied to Bush, whether he wants to be or not. His ability to make his own reality was fleeting and in actual reality is he’s become one of the most hated people in the country.

It iis gratifying to see some Americans finally coming round to the same way of thinking as many of us abroad who saw the politically and emotionally perverse nature of the Rove/Bush relationship and of the obscenity of the corrupt political movement calling itself Republicanism, right from the days of Reagan and the so-called moral majority.

But it’s a shame, to put it mildly, that they’ve pushed the US off a poltical cliff and the rest of the world has had to go through all this crap – I think war, corruption torture or mass murder count as crap – for the American public to finally wake up to Bush, Rove and Cheney’s sick little Oval Office psychodrama. Their unrequited longings for one another (unrequited as far as I know; if they are requited, bang so to speak goes a major plank of my argument) and the whole dark dominance and daddy thing they have going is the very quintessence of modern Republicanism.

Oh Look, Another One

Comment of the Day, Policing, Religion, Sexuality, Wingnuts
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How many is that now? I forget – the list of fundy sex offenders is getting so long it’ll soon need its own dedicated server.

Bristol pastor, Christian radio station employee charged with indecent exposure

Published 07/30/2007 By Kacie Dingus Breeding

A Christian radio station employee and Bristol pastor has been charged with indecent exposure as well as DUI and violation of the open container law.

[…]

According to the Johnson City Press article, Tester allegedly pulled up in a blue 2007 Toyota Camry and offered to give Johnson City police officers oral sex when they arrived at 308 S. Belmont Street to investigate a report of indecent exposure.

Tester, allegedly wearing a skirt, then reportedly got out of his car at the Belmont Car Wash and urinated in a wash bay in public view with children present.

A search of Tester’s vehicle reportedly revealed a half-empty pint-sized bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of Oxycodone in the passenger floorboard. Morris said Tester had told him about the painkiller prescription, which he’d said was prescribed due to previous back surgeries.

According to reports, Tester also allegedly admitted to police that he had been drinking and failed all field sobriety tests.

More…

According to commenters at the paper, Tester’s parishioners and listeners are arguing that he was set up by police and that he is in fact so devout and modest that he “wouldn’t even go into a place where people wear shorts”.

I’m no fan of the police but even I’m pushed to imagine why they’d bother to force-feed an obscure fundy Tennessee radio host oxycontin and booze, dress him in a skirt. and make him horny for sweaty, hot yet entirely heterosexual man-love.

Speaking of which, I was criticised on a sex discussion bulletin board recently (this happens when you tag posts ‘sexuality’) for making fun of Vitter The Shitter, which apparently means I’m a prude who’s down on those with alternative sexual preferences.

I suspect the same people would say the same about my continued featuring of fundy sex offenders. For them I’ll say it slowly, calmly and clearly:

IT’S THE HYPOCRISY, STUPID.

[Hat tip goes to Hawthorne Wingnut, which also makes it Comment of The Day.]

I Do Hope It Wasn’t Used….

Health, Oh Those Crazy Cloggies, Sexuality
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Via The Santa Monica Mercury:

A huge pink hot air balloon flies above the Zwarte Cross, or Black... (AP Photo/Ermindo Armino)

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands—Concertgoers at a festival in the Dutch city of Lichtenvoorde were treated to an unusual sight Friday: A pink hot air balloon 127 feet high, shaped exactly like a condom, drifting lazily across the sky.

The balloon, with the words “Vrij Veilig”—Dutch for “Safe Sex”—was launched by the public health service in the eastern district of Gelre-Ijssel, near the German border.

The director of the health service, known by its Dutch acronym GGD, said the festival was an ideal opportunity to reach young people. More than 80,000 are expected to attend the three-day Zwarte Cross event—a combination motor-cross race and hard rock concert, with Dutch gothic metal band “Within Temptation” headlining.

“This is a playful way of asking for attention to the problem of sexually transmitted diseases, HIV and AIDS,” said Laurent de Vries.

Nurses on the concert grounds also handed out educational material and free condoms as part of the campaign, he said.

Flying a giant condom is by no means an unusual event in the Netherlands or in Europe generally; condoms are not the same hotbutton moral issue they are oin America, which is why the US media find it odd.

I expect if say, Planned Parenthood tried it at a US rock concert they’d find themselves picketed by a bunch of Headbangers For Christ and the condom brought down by citizen anti-aircraft fire.