She’s going to die



Justin Hayward’s “Forever Autumn” may be naff, but it sums up my feelings quite well at the moment. She’s going to die and I can’t help her and I’ll be alone when she does. Sandra has fought long and hard for three long years, but she’s tired of fighting and can’t go on. She wants to go on her own terms as soon as possible, now that she still has a choice to die with dignity. It’s tearing me up inside and can’t help but not want this to happen. I want her to stay with me, not leave me alone, but I don’t want her in pain anymore either.

I want to make her happy so much and if that means she has to die when she wants to, than I’m going to support her. But I don’t know if I can hack living without her again.

I’ll just have to cope by fleeing into power fantasies about groups of men in uniform fighting each other for meaningless honours only understandable to insiders; yes, I’ll have to watch more football.

20 thoughts on “She’s going to die

  1. Thanks. That song is nicely wrist slittingly depressing, just what the doctor ordered today…

  2. Fuck, that’s bad news.

    If you need to get away, after, I’ve got a spare bedroom in Canada you can use. If there’s anything more useful I can do to help, just ask.

  3. I hardly know you – well, just from on here, but I have been following the progress (or lack of it) and Sandra’s hospitalizations. I don’t know what to say really, except that I am thinking of you and Sandra. I’m across the ocean in Vermont, USA, but if I were in A’dam right now, I’d hop on that ferry to Noord and bring you some home cookin’.

  4. I am very sorry, Martin.

    I wish words in the English language would convey that properly, but it does not, cannot.

    May you have peace, if not now.

  5. Claudia and I are both very sorry to hear this, Martin. Our thoughts are with you and your wife.

    Doug Muir

  6. Martin – if you want to come over at any time, then there is a futon with your name on it. If you need a change of scene. M would be glad to talk Dutch with you, and Ben would give you cuddles – none of which would really help, but call us/email if you want to come. And if you need us to come to the netherlands in the near future, let us know.

  7. Pingback: Damned — Michel Vuijlsteke's Weblog

Comments are closed.