She’s going to die

October 6th, 2011



Justin Hayward’s “Forever Autumn” may be naff, but it sums up my feelings quite well at the moment. She’s going to die and I can’t help her and I’ll be alone when she does. Sandra has fought long and hard for three long years, but she’s tired of fighting and can’t go on. She wants to go on her own terms as soon as possible, now that she still has a choice to die with dignity. It’s tearing me up inside and can’t help but not want this to happen. I want her to stay with me, not leave me alone, but I don’t want her in pain anymore either.

I want to make her happy so much and if that means she has to die when she wants to, than I’m going to support her. But I don’t know if I can hack living without her again.

I’ll just have to cope by fleeing into power fantasies about groups of men in uniform fighting each other for meaningless honours only understandable to insiders; yes, I’ll have to watch more football.

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Comments Feed20 Comments

  1. Jack Crow October 6th, 2011

    Christ. Warmth to she, and you.

  2. Jack Crow October 6th, 2011

    This one for you, Martin:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxJqfQPt8Cg

  3. Martin Wisse October 6th, 2011

    Thanks. That song is nicely wrist slittingly depressing, just what the doctor ordered today…

  4. Michel Vuijlsteke October 6th, 2011

    Oh man, no.

    If there’s anything we can do — anything at all — our house is open and you’re most welcome.

  5. Martin Wisse October 6th, 2011

    Thanks.

  6. Robert October 6th, 2011

    Fuck, that’s bad news.

    If you need to get away, after, I’ve got a spare bedroom in Canada you can use. If there’s anything more useful I can do to help, just ask.

  7. Rich Puchalsky October 6th, 2011

    I’m really sorry, Martin. Sympathy through a text box may not be much, but you have it.

  8. Reinder Dijkhuis October 7th, 2011

    I’m so sorry.

  9. Martin Wisse October 7th, 2011

    Thanks guys. It’s been incredibly hard but having your best wishes helps.

  10. Steve October 7th, 2011

    Damn. I’m really sorry. All the best to you both

  11. Jay Vos October 7th, 2011

    I hardly know you – well, just from on here, but I have been following the progress (or lack of it) and Sandra’s hospitalizations. I don’t know what to say really, except that I am thinking of you and Sandra. I’m across the ocean in Vermont, USA, but if I were in A’dam right now, I’d hop on that ferry to Noord and bring you some home cookin’.

  12. James Davis Nicoll October 7th, 2011

    I’m very sorry, Martin.

  13. Will Baird October 8th, 2011

    I am very sorry, Martin.

    I wish words in the English language would convey that properly, but it does not, cannot.

    May you have peace, if not now.

  14. Doug M. October 8th, 2011

    Claudia and I are both very sorry to hear this, Martin. Our thoughts are with you and your wife.

    Doug Muir

  15. Martin Wisse October 8th, 2011

    Thank you all.

  16. Carlos October 9th, 2011

    I’m terribly sorry, Martin.

  17. Branko Collin October 9th, 2011

    I am so sorry for you guys.

  18. vic October 18th, 2011

    Martin – if you want to come over at any time, then there is a futon with your name on it. If you need a change of scene. M would be glad to talk Dutch with you, and Ben would give you cuddles – none of which would really help, but call us/email if you want to come. And if you need us to come to the netherlands in the near future, let us know.

  19. Menno October 18th, 2011

    What Vic says. Ask and you will receive.

  20. Damned — Michel Vuijlsteke's Weblog November 13th, 2011

    [...] was niet onverwacht, het ging al een tijd niet goed. Maar toen hij het zei, was ik er dagen niet goed [...]

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