She’s going to die

Justin Hayward’s “Forever Autumn” may be naff, but it sums up my feelings quite well at the moment. She’s going to die and I can’t help her and I’ll be alone when she does. Sandra has fought long and hard for three long years, but she’s tired of fighting and can’t go on. She wants to go on her own terms as soon as possible, now that she still has a choice to die with dignity. It’s tearing me up inside and can’t help but not want this to happen. I want her to stay with me, not leave me alone, but I don’t want her in pain anymore either.

I want to make her happy so much and if that means she has to die when she wants to, than I’m going to support her. But I don’t know if I can hack living without her again.

I’ll just have to cope by fleeing into power fantasies about groups of men in uniform fighting each other for meaningless honours only understandable to insiders; yes, I’ll have to watch more football.


  • Jack Crow

    October 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Christ. Warmth to she, and you.

  • Jack Crow

    October 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

    This one for you, Martin:

  • Martin Wisse

    October 6, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Thanks. That song is nicely wrist slittingly depressing, just what the doctor ordered today…

  • Michel Vuijlsteke

    October 6, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Oh man, no.

    If there’s anything we can do — anything at all — our house is open and you’re most welcome.

  • Martin Wisse

    October 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm


  • Robert

    October 6, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Fuck, that’s bad news.

    If you need to get away, after, I’ve got a spare bedroom in Canada you can use. If there’s anything more useful I can do to help, just ask.

  • Rich Puchalsky

    October 6, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    I’m really sorry, Martin. Sympathy through a text box may not be much, but you have it.

  • Reinder Dijkhuis

    October 7, 2011 at 12:44 am

    I’m so sorry.

  • Martin Wisse

    October 7, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Thanks guys. It’s been incredibly hard but having your best wishes helps.

  • Steve

    October 7, 2011 at 4:09 am

    Damn. I’m really sorry. All the best to you both

  • Jay Vos

    October 7, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    I hardly know you – well, just from on here, but I have been following the progress (or lack of it) and Sandra’s hospitalizations. I don’t know what to say really, except that I am thinking of you and Sandra. I’m across the ocean in Vermont, USA, but if I were in A’dam right now, I’d hop on that ferry to Noord and bring you some home cookin’.

  • James Davis Nicoll

    October 7, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I’m very sorry, Martin.

  • Will Baird

    October 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    I am very sorry, Martin.

    I wish words in the English language would convey that properly, but it does not, cannot.

    May you have peace, if not now.

  • Doug M.

    October 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Claudia and I are both very sorry to hear this, Martin. Our thoughts are with you and your wife.

    Doug Muir

  • Martin Wisse

    October 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Thank you all.

  • Carlos

    October 9, 2011 at 7:29 am

    I’m terribly sorry, Martin.

  • Branko Collin

    October 9, 2011 at 11:12 am

    I am so sorry for you guys.

  • vic

    October 18, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Martin – if you want to come over at any time, then there is a futon with your name on it. If you need a change of scene. M would be glad to talk Dutch with you, and Ben would give you cuddles – none of which would really help, but call us/email if you want to come. And if you need us to come to the netherlands in the near future, let us know.

  • Menno

    October 18, 2011 at 8:47 am

    What Vic says. Ask and you will receive.

  • Damned — Michel Vuijlsteke's Weblog

    November 13, 2011 at 7:40 am

    […] was niet onverwacht, het ging al een tijd niet goed. Maar toen hij het zei, was ik er dagen niet goed […]