In Sickness And In Health

While I was writing that last post and thinking about why I blog the one thing I neglected to mention because I thought it too personal was my failing health and the connection it has to my blogging.. But in the light of the news about Steve Gilliard now seems somehow appropriate.

Our own mortality is something we’d all prefer not to have to think about, but several times in life I’ve been forced to. Recentliy I’ve been having to come to a decison: because of an unlucky confluence of cancer, cancer treatment and ensuing damage my kidneys are failing, my digestive system is fucked, my immiune system is damaged and the long-term prognosis is not good. Further investigations and treatment, in addition to being unpleasant, humiliating and painful, are only palliative, not curative, and could actually shorten lifespan by introducing infection. Sooner or later my whole physical system will fail and I could end up dependent on machines. Do I want that? Quality of life v clinging on? It’s one of the reasons I prefer to be in the Netherlands – here it’s my decision.

Unlike Steve, who’s in a very bad way indeed, I have some time yet to decide.

What I do know at the moment is one of the reasons I blog is so that when I go I do leave something of myself behind so that my children can see that although I couldn’t get out and physically challenge anything any more I still did my best. I hope when and if they read my posts some time in the future they’ll know that some of us at least gave a shit.

Whatever happens with Steve, and let’s hope against hope it’s a recovery, he has a body of work behind him, a body of work that also says “Steve Gilliard gives a shit”. It’s what makes us all wish him well – he, his family and Jen are in our thoughts and in the thoughts of thousands of others. We all give a shit too.